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SoulSync

Here is where I will add my own blog ramblings (Uh-Hum, I mean powerful words of wisdom and insight) as well as share with you SoulSync moments from other blogs, videos, and posts that are in alignment with the vision and values of Esteem Builders Coaching. What is SoulSync? SoulSync is when you experience an inner connection with another person. SoulSync moments can happen anytime, anywhere, or even without the other person even knowing it. In its purist form it is a singular moment in which one person fells completely understood by another. Here are just a few examples of what I define as SoulSync moments. When someone manages to put into words what has been stored inside your soul when you were unable to find the words yourself. When someone is able to empathize with your emotions and understand why you felt that way. When two souls are in harmony. A moment when you hear the voice inside of you say; “Yes, this person gets it. This person gets that part of me.” A moment of pure connectivity through a shared belief, interest, passion, or view point.​

Breaking The Silence: Betrayal & The Truth About The Dark Days Of My Marriage​

​AWE, look another happy couple plastered all over social media. 2.5 kids, beautiful home, careers, dog in the yard, leisure time to cook elaborate organic meals then take photos of said meal to post on IG. Everything looks so picture perfect that must have it all. They must be over the moon in-love and fulfilled with life.  I thought we had it all and that we were truly happy and in sync too. That is until I learned THE TRUTH.  The Truth revealed itself rather abruptly. It was 5am, I was fast asleep, as I don't typically wake up until 7am, when all of a sudden a voice said to me "Wake Up! Wake up now and check your husband's phone." I shot up out of bed and was wide awake. My husband was in the shower getting ready for work. I checked the internet on his phone and all the history had been cleared. My stomach dropped! Even as I type these words chills are sweeping over my whole body. In the moment, I knew something was off. My husband was hiding something from me. I wasn't tech savvy enough to know how to access cleared history so I laid back down and pretended to be asleep until he left for work. That day I searched the internet and figured out how to gain access to web history once it's been deleted from the browser. The following morning, again, I was fast asleep and the same voice whispered to me; "Wake Up! Now is the time." I woke and again my husband had just gotten in the shower. I took the steps to access his web browser history from deep in the depths of his phone. That was cleared out and empty too. It was a multi-step process and at this point I knew he too did research on how to cover his tracks even further. My mind began to race and my heart was beating outside of my chest. Again, I pretended to be asleep until my husband left for work.  I was in disbelief. We just celebrated our 6-year anniversary. He just sent me a bouquet of roses to the beach for my birthday. We just had our second child 9-months ago. We have a great life. We are happy. What is he hiding from me? What is he hiding that he takes so many steps to cover his tracks? My mind racing of all the possible "what if" scenarios.  The ConfrontationThe next morning I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I confronted my husband and asked for his phone so that I could access his history. I told him I know he has betrayed our marriage and I demanded to see the proof. The only path I left open for him was the path to the truth. That day in May, in our kitchen, my husband confessed his betrayal of our marriage.  Now betrayals come in many forms and to varying degrees. Betrayal can be a white lie, emotional affairs, sexting, hiding money, keeping secrets, addictions, abuse, pornography, infidelity, and full blown affairs. There are so many ways the Betrayal Beast can break into your marriage, wreak havoc on your feelings of safety and commitment, and destroy your dreams of happily ever after. That's why it's so vital to protect our marriages from the Betrayal Beast because it's a matter of life or death of our marriages. On that day I learned the truth that The Betrayal Beast, invaded my marriage in the form of pornography.  The DestructionThe Betrayal Beast was a magnitude 7 earthquake that tore the ground out from under me and our family. I was no longer standing on solid ground. Every step felt dangerous and like one false move and I would fall to my death into the center of the earth. That morning, I told my husband he had to be out of the house by the next day. I left trapped and with no way out because we have two children together and our lives will forever be intertwined in some way. No matter how much I wished, hoped, and prayed I would not be able to run away and escape this pain, hurt, or him.  In the past, if a boyfriend betrayed me I could escape by breaking up with them. It was easier to run away from those that cut me so deep with their betrayals. In a marriage and with kids my escape button was inaccessible. That realization was suffocating.  Questions rattled in my head as if I was in a pin ball game.  How the hell did I get myself into this situation?  How the hell did this happen to me?  How the hell is this my life?  How the hell do I escape this excruciating painful situation?  How do I run away from the hurt, brokenness, and gaping hole in my chest?  I wasn't willing to lose time with my children. I wasn't willing to be punished by not being able to see my children every holiday or any time I wanted because of the actions of someone else. I asked myself; "How can I have the same access to my children as I do now without having to keep my husband in my life?" The next uncontrolled thought that came to my mind sacred and shocked me. The voice in my head said; "Maybe the universe will have him die in a car accident and then you will be free." The thought only lasted less than a second and it made me gasp at how awful even the thought was. Wishing for someone to just disappear off this earth because they hurt you so badly and the pain is too much for your brain to handle. It scared me and my logical brain knew that if my husband wasn't around that the loss would be insurmountable for my children. In that moment, I knew I had to stay and work through the debilitating pain instead of running from it.  That night was the most difficult night of my life. As I laid in darkness on the bed I sobbed uncontrollably for hours. I have cried before in my life, but never sobbed. Tears that felt like lava burning my face. My body trembling and convulsing as if at any moment my bones would break. Gasping for the next breath and not trusting that the air will be there to greet me. And the sound. I remember thinking; "What is that sound?" It sounded inhuman and animalistic. Deeper like a growl or groan. Then, I realized the sound was coming from me.  Everything was completely out of my control. I couldn't control the reactions of my body. I couldn't control the thoughts in my mind. I couldn't control the empty numbness in my heart. I could not control any of it. I had no control. And so I released trying to control and surrendered to it all.  The AftershocksThe destruction of my husband's years of secrecy and betrayal of our vows didn't just effect our marriage and our children. There were aftershocks that rippled to extended family, friendships, and careers.  Extended Family: When news got out of our separation and the reasons why, some family members felt it their place to express their opinions, judgments, and criticism. I received emails telling me that I am overreacting and that my husband doesn't beat me, doesn't do drugs, and is a good father so I have no right to ask him to leave our home. First, the fact that we set such low expectations of our men that as long as they don't beat us and our good fathers then as women we should just suck up everything else as acceptable is a whole other blog post on its own. I was vilified, blamed, and verbally attacked. Which shouldn't be surprising given the current undertone of blaming the victim which infests our culture however, it was completely unacceptable and unforgiveable to me. Relationships with certain family members were either altered or severed.  Friendships: The same occurred within our friendships. Some (not all) judged me for staying and working on my marriage because they thought I should leave. It was as if there was no winning. The messages I received were that I was a bad person for staying and I was a bad person if I asked him to leave. Somehow the weight of the decisions were on me even though it was my husband's choices that created the situation. Some judged my husband which made it difficult for me to maintain a friendship with them as its hard enough to rebuild a broken marriage when you have all the support and encouragement in the world let alone when people are judging and critical. These friendships had to fall away as well. It was a circling of the wagons to preserve our family and any wagon that was not there to protect and support on this traitorous journey had to removed.It was a complete cleaning of all our relationships and interactions. The relationships that circled the wagons in unconditional love, support, and cheering for us to be victorious in the battle to save our marriage and our family were paramount in our survival and success.  Career: "What the hell kind of a relationship therapist am I if I didn't even see this coming in my own marriage?" That's what I asked myself. The secrecy and betrayal that occurred in my marriage made me question my abilities and competencies as a therapist helping other couples. I honestly had no clue that deception had been happening in my marriage. There were seriously no signs. I now know that my experience in my own marriage has actually made me a better relationship therapist because I can understand the struggles and pains of both the man and women on an intellectual level as well as empathize as it is an experience that I have walked through personally.  The Rebirth My marriage died that day. That day we now call D-day. Our dark days after the truth was revealed have been the most uncomfortable and aching of my life. Anyone that has ever had a baby knows that's what labor and delivery of birthing something new can be. It took a massive amount of hard as hell work, learning, consistency, commitment, patience, healing, and rebuilding of trust from BOTH OF US before we were in a place of connection and intimacy again.  I know now that the marriage we had before the Betrayal Beast was a sandcastle marriage build on a facade of who my husband thought he should be in order to please me, please others, and be a success. Our sandcastle marriage could be easily washed away by the high tides of life. Together, my husband and I birthed a new marriage into life through raw, unchained truth-telling, purposeful connection, and intentional sharing of our honest thoughts, feelings, and needs. I didn't realize the depth of connection and fulfillment I was missing in our sandcastle marriage until it died and our new marriage was built. Our new marriage is a fortress marriage. A fortress that we are both determined to defend and protect from the many threats in today's culture.   Lessons Learned1. There are certain things within a marriage that you do not have to compromise on. Your values and boundaries of what is okay and not okay for you within your marriage is something you DO NOT have to compromise on. What are your values and boundaries in your marriage? Because betraying yourself by compromising your values and boundaries is the most dangerous betrayal there is.  When we betray ourselves we fill ourselves with self hatred and fill our marriages with resentment. If deception makes you feel uncomfortable and is against your values and boundaries of what is okay in your marriage then it is your responsibility to protect your marriage from resentment and protect yourself from self hatred by speaking your truth to your spouse. The whole concept of "pornography, that's it! At least he isn't sleeping with someone else." Or "Big damn deal every guy looks at porn. It's nothing to get upset over." is something that has been beaten into us through social media, movies, television, and jokes. If it isn't funny to you and if it makes you uncomfortable then it is your right to say something. It is your right to say you do not want that in your marriage. You don't have to live your life feeling uncomfortable with anything in your marriage. You don't have to walk around pretending to be okay with it or pretending to be in denial saying; "As long as I don't know he's doing it then that's okay with me." Those words actually mean it's not okay with you and it teaches your husband to hide things from you. If your husband cannot share it with you, talk to you about it, and be honest with you about his choices and behaviors than that is a red flag sign that the behavior is actually not acceptable to you and/or him in the marriage. Remove all secrets, hiding, and shame from your marriage.  2. What I know to be true is that sexual gratification outside of the marriage creates disconnect within the marriage. Secrecy and deception of any kind within a marriage is a disease that erodes the commitment and connection. Betrayals are earthquakes within relationships. It breaks the foundations of trust and the aftershocks impact your children, extended families, friendships, and self worth. Do you have friends that are firefighters? My friend is a firefighter and he has fire ladders in the upstairs bedrooms, fire extinguishers throughout the house, etc. because he knows of the destruction and damage fires can do because that's his job. His life experiences as a firefighter made him extra prepared as he knows the true damage and devastation in ways I never even think of. As a relationship therapist for the past 12-years, I know the destruction and damage pornography and secrecy has on a marriage and I want my marriage to last a lifetime so I want to protect it from all possible threats.  3. The death of our sandcastle marriage was a blessing. At the time, there was no way I could see that or feel this way. Now, that I am in a place of healing I can see the gifts from the tragedy. If you are in the tragedy allow yourself to surrender into the pain and discomfort instead of trying to control it. Know that once you make it through the dark days that the light on the other side holds the healing and the gifts. 4. One of the gifts was that it cleansed out all the toxins in our marriage. This included not only the toxicity of pornography, but also toxic relationships with family, friends, and jobs.When the bomb goes off and the dust clears those that remain are the D-day support system and our relationships with them are stronger, deeper, and more authentic now as a result of the darkness. (Again, I don't understand why you would even care this is in here or why you would want it removed) 5. There are 2 people in a marriage and we can only be responsible for our own actions. I cannot control my husband's actions and as such I cannot own his mistakes as mine. All I can do is stay in my own lane, make sure my actions are aligned with my values and belief, and trust that if there is something I need to know that the voice that woke me up from a dead sleep will whisper to me again.  6. My husband's choice to had nothing to do with me, nothing to do with how I look or my body, nothing to do with our sex life, and had nothing to do with our marriage. His feelings of shame, keeping secrets to not disappoint others, and destructive of escaping were patterns of behaviors he had since childhood and long before we got married. That's the thing about marriage, it's harder to hide once you are with someone long enough.  7. My motivation for staying in my marriage started as wanting to preserve my family because I didn't want to lose time with my children. My husband knows that if we did not have children together I would have filed for divorce and ran away from pain like I had been able to do before. That's okay that my kids were my starting point. It's okay for that to be your starting point too if you want. As long as that starting point grows and evolves into something more. Today, I am thankful that we did have children together so that I could not run away. As choosing to stay for my kids allowed me the chance to stretch myself and grow personally. I have grown as an individual throughout these dark days. I am more resilient, healing past relationship wounds, and am expanding in love and courage. If I would have repeated my old patterns of running then I would have missed the growth that has come from staying. Now, let's be clear, I am pro healthy relationships. For some people healthy relationships come in the form of the rebirth of the marriage and for some it comes through ending the marriage through divorce. Both paths are equally as difficult and equally as life changing. The choice of the path is one that we all must make on our own and it's a choice we relive over and over again every day. 

Power of 1 revolution

We are all Superheroes born with our own unique Superpowers (commonly referred to as our gifts or strengths that are unique to us). The ONE Superpower we all have in common is the Superpower to make someone feel VALUED! When you join the Power of 1 Revolution, you become part of the Esteem Builders Coaching Superhero Squad (or EBC Squad for short) Like all Superheroes you pledge to use your Superpowers in a positive way. You can be the ONE PERSON to make a positive impact on someone else because you never known when your impact will save someone’s life. You can use ONE WORD to build someone up. You can wake up in the morning and look into the mirror and make ONE CHOICE to love something you see in your reflection. You can make the ONE DECISION to stop the cycle of self hate ONE MOMENT at a time.

One Person One Moment One Choice One Word One Place One Memory One Song One Photo One Book One Decision One Experience Can Impact US! Just think about ONE. One step at a time. One word at a time. One moment at a time. Then before you know it ONE to the POWER OF 1 is infinitely powerful. One1 = Infinite blank superman logo Take the Pledge & Join the Revolution Today! I pledge to take one step at...

Why Your Apologizes May Not Get You Anywhere {The Art of The 4-Part Apology}​

As children we are never truly taught how or why to apologize. When we see a child even as young as 2-years old take a toy away from another child, hit, or push we tell the offending child to “Say you are sorry” or sometimes we say, “No hit, say you are sorry.” But then we move along and keep going. This approach creates a culture in which making mistakes or having momentary poor judgment becomes a shameful experience rather than a learning opportunity. On a basic level when we are scolded for offending someone, we hear “You are bad. Now feel guilty about it and don’t do it again.” We carry this mentality with us into adulthood where years and years of guilt transforms itself into shame. Adults then become hell bent on not admitting their mistakes because it feels like a shameful experience.

Yet, they know that according to our culture and the norms of behaviors that you need to say “I’m sorry” when you have offended or hurt someone. For goodness sakes we have a legal and justice system such as parole boards setup on the premise of saying “I’m sorry” in order to be granted early release. This culture of forced apologizes mixed with shame is how we learned to apologize without really apologizing. We all know people who are really good at apologizing without actually taking personal responsibility. “I’m sorry what I said out of anger upset you.” Or “I’m sorry I yelled, but you weren’t listening” Or people who apologize and then somehow the apology is turned back around on you. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Does any of this sound familiar? If you have apologized using these phrases then your apologizes are probably not getting you anywhere. The second you use the word “but” it negates what you said in front of it. It steals away the I’m sorry by placing the blame on the other person. When you use the word “you” it dilutes the apology and again places the responsibility on the other person

Like it is the other person’s fault because they are too sensitive or too whatever. When someone tell you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.–LouisestepC.K. You can have the purest of intentions and be truly remorseful for your behavior yet your apology is not showing that because you were not taught from a young age the art of The 4-Part Apology.

THE 4-PART APOLOGY
Personal Responsibility
Validation
Genuine Remorse
Repair

If your apologies are missing any one of these 4 parts than it is likely that you feel like no matter how many times you say “I’m sorry” it just doesn’t work and the relationship grows more and more distant. Good news is that frustration can stop today simply by learning the steps of The 4-Part Apology.

STEP 1: TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
This means to take ownership of the action that goes against your own integrity. For example, yelling is against what I believe to be right. Which means yelling goes against my integrity. However, I am a yeller when I get angry. So if I lose my temper and yell than it is my personal responsibility to take ownership of that.

No matter what the other person said or did. I had the choice and responsibility on how I respond to them. I can choose not to yell. If I make the choice to yell then it is my personal responsibility to own that error. WHY: When you take full ownership for your action this shows the other person your understanding of the misstep and acknowledgement of the mistake. How can someone feel confident that a mistake won’t happen again if you do not even believe that what you did was a mistake. By owning the mistake then they can feel more secure that it will not occur again in the future.

STEP 2: VALIDATION OF THE OTHER PERSON
This means to state my understanding of how the other person feels. For example, if I yell at my child then I can state that I understand that when I yell he feels scared and sad...

A Tribute to my brother

My older brother, Mark, passed away on March 1, 2014 following complications with a kidney transplant. I wanted to write something to read at his funeral as a tribute to him and for me as a way to say goodbye. A Tribute to My Brother A Tribute to My Brother My earliest memory of my big brother, Mark, is when he came to live with us in Florida after his car accident. I can vividly see him in his security guard uniform. He and I were driving down Hillsborough Avenue in his big blue van. I remember the weight of the heavy metal door as I climbed into the van. I remember sitting up high in the front seat. The windows down. My brother driving with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand out the window resting on the side view mirror. I can see his face so clearly and how he looked at me with such joy and contentment. I felt so safe and so wanted as I went on an adventure with my big strong brother in his tank of a van. You see I’ve come to realize that Mark possessed one of the most extraordinary gifts ever……..the ability to make people feel his love and feel wanted. A Tribute to My Brother Not only was this trait so innate to the core of who he is as a person but it was unconditionally authentic. His natural ability to authentically love others and make them feel unconditionally wanted is such a rare and magical gift. Whether I was a little girl sitting on the beanbag in his room playing with his coins, whether I was 15 years old crying to him about my first boyfriend, or whether I was an adult asking him for advice he always made me feel loved and like he genuinely wanted us to share these moments together no matter how mundane or how significant. As a young girl growing up and now as a woman raising a child of my own, I realize how influential the gift of expressing and receiving unconditional love truly is. My big brother Mark and my Dad taught me that. Watching how Mark treated his wife Susan, his daughter Sarah Ann, and feeling that love myself. How thoughtful and expressive Mark was with his love showed me growing up and even now how a man should love a woman. These lessons and gifts that Mark gave to me I hope to give my son and future child. Over the past 20 years, I have not only watched Mark’s love, but I have also watched his struggles, both medically and emotionally. I have bared witness as the medical concerns slowly took from him. With each growing medical struggle another piece of him was taken. Each time it took away a piece of his energy, his patience, his tolerance, his physical movement, and his ability to enjoy his hobbies. Piece by piece it began to steal his joy. To steal the sparkle in his eyes. But NEVER did it steal his love for others. That’s the strength of my brother’s love. It is and always will be so pure and resilient that no illness, not even death can take t away. His joy of being with his family will remain steadfast and timeless. So when you think of Mark I hope his authentic love will bring you peace as it does me. So, when I catch myself in the grief of not being able to hear his voice or see his face. Or when that feeling of emptiness makes me breathless and creates a pit in my stomach, I will choice to imagine Mark how he is now. For me, that image is of him surrounded by those he loves. When I imagine Mark now, I see him as strong and content just as my first memory of us driving in his van. He is embraced by Grandma DeNome and he can feel her soft cheek upon his face. He is talking coins and playing cards with Grandpa DeNome. He is visiting with Dolly and Uncle Frank. All of the pieces that were taken from him are returned. HE IS WHOLE. The sparkle in his eyes is bright and all of his joy is overflowing. This is MY truth for Mark and it brings me warmth in my stomach and a playful smile to my face.​

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